Ever so often, Netflix adds Nollywood films to its selection. These films usually waste no time rushing to become the number 1 film in Netflix Nigeria but ever so rarely, they add a film that goes so unnoticed that it doesn’t make it to number one, and that is the case of Tunde Apalowo’s The Millions.
The Millions is written, directed, and edited by Tunde Apalowo. The film follows Bem Katour (portrayed by Ramsey Nouah) a con man who plans a heist to steal $42 million from a house. Yes, a human being in this film has $42 million (which is about 16.2 billion naira) just lying around.
According to Wikipedia, this film was made on a budget of N62 million but it made back just N19.3 million. If those figures are correct, then this movie is a flop and a half and after watching it, it’s easy to see why.
We start off on the wrong foot.
This scene is supposed to establish Ramsey Nouah’s character (Bem) as some sort of genius con artist but we are shown what he’s doing from this terrible shot. We can barely see anything he’s holding.
Nothing makes sense
In one scene, Bem accuses prostitutes of stealing his money. In another scene, he says he spent the money on prostitutes. Which is it? By the way, a supposed smart con man left his bag of money lying around a room of strangers.
The villain is a joke.
He can barely even hold a gun.
The jokes are terrible.
You will feel second-hand embarrassment for Ramsey Nouah because he gets to deliver all these terrible cringe-worthy “jokes.”
Still on nothing makes sense.
They just cut to places with no establishing shot to explain where they are. Are they in a bunker? Are they in your house? We’ll never know.
The dialogue is horrendous.
Characters say arrant nonsense unprovoked.
Nothing makes sense.
Someone who has a week to cough up six million he stole is driving around in this car? It never crossed his mind to sell the car and pay off some of that debt seeing as his life depends on it?
There are no stakes whatsoever.
Someone who has a week to come up with six million or get killed is telling his accomplice this, right after telling his accomplice “come to my house ASAP” at the beginning of the sentence? He talks as if he has all the time in the world. By the way, there is no countdown whatsoever or no mention of what day it is so we don’t even know if the deadline has passed.
Nothing makes sense
He’s only been to this girl’s house once and all through his stay, he sat in one spot as they watched a movie about digging. How then, did he know about this room? She never gave him a tour.
Play a drinking game.
Take a shot each time someone says “voila!” and also, ask yourself when you’ve ever heard a real human utter the words “voila.”
Scenes are long for no reason.
This scene goes on for five minutes, and it feels like five hours.
Can we even call this acting?
The producer of this movie, Chika Lann decides to give herself a role and it is the worst acting in the film. Also, her character is named Amaka just so AY’s character can make the joke about Amaka disappointing him four times.
The Millions is a terrible movie, and that is putting it kindly. They took a somewhat intriguing concept of digging to steal money and made it into a boring, cringe-worthy, forgettable film with horrendous dialogue, bad editing, and poor acting. Watch this movie if you have absolutely nothing else to watch and even at that, consider watching paint dry before you consider this.